I don't often drink, in fact I can quite happily go months without a single drip of alcohol, but this weekend I over did it, I over did it badly. Can you say "2 day hangover"? Because I sure couldn't and whilst I was sat there is a pit of self-loathing and despair, I wondered why THE HANGOVER was not advertised to prevent drinking. So, being the conscientious person I am, here is my list of reasons never to drink...
1. When you wake up you will feel fine but this is the first trick the hangover plays, like a false sense of security, it will seduce you into thinking you got away with it but then you move your head and...
2. BAM, it feels like that tiny move you made to see if you have water, was actually the result of a 4 by 4 crashing into the side of your head.
3. You see the sorry state of a glass of water your drunken self kindly left you and it is now that you realise your throat is drier than the Sahara so you glug it down, not caring about the false eyelashes floating in it or the strange smell of sick secreting from your skin and it's sweet cool relief hits your stomach.
4. You're in for a treat now, your stomach has remembered it exists, which is good because your brain still hasn't, and you promptly sprint to the bathroom where you are reintroduced to your water and those eye lashes. You realise the faint smell of sick is getting stronger and is probably the result of the friendship you made with the toilet the night before.
5. In the shower you can barely stand and so sit there until your skin is pruned, attempting to clean yourself and make yourself in some way presentable. Your make up sliding down your face, making you look like a sorry clown, in the process.
6. As you pull on the comfiest clothes you can find you gather yesterday's outfit and throw it in the washer but immediately regret the sound it makes as it whirls around.
7. A few hours pass, and you've just about managed to keep a couple ice cubes down, when you get a text. "OMG you were so funny last night! XOXOX" it reads. You scour your brain but there is no recollection of anything you might've done. You spend the next 10 minutes deciding whether you want to know or not whist photos of you dancing on the bar are uploaded to Facebook by that person who "would totally never post embarrassing photos" but also looks way hotter than anyone else in them so doesn't care.
8. It is finally time, like an aging baby, to attempt solid foods and you manage them in pretty much the same manner, but who cares if you have ketchup on your chin?
9. It is getting to the evening now and all you can think about is how it is nearly time for bed, a time you have been excited for all day as it means your day of hell is over, when it happens...
10. The least talked about, worst thing of a hangover. You need to poo and I am not talking some slight inconvenience, this is the kind you have to alert the police for. Neighbours will be calling about gas attacks, small animals will pass out, avalanches will start from the sound quivering from within you and any relationships you have with anyone you live with will be ruined.
- A Twenty Something
*Disclaimer: Some embellishment may be included!*